


What should have been

by gfaerie



Category: Clannad
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-04-30 16:51:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14501382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gfaerie/pseuds/gfaerie
Summary: Inspired by Steins Gate:0 this is the story of what would have happened if the bad ending had been allowed to pass. Specifically, the ending where Tomoya, crippled by the death of everyone he loved, convinces himself that Nagisa is better off never knowing him and leaves her alone at the bottom of the hill. A future where he instead gets kicked out of school and follows his father into addiction, leaving Nagisa isolated and depressed despite the best efforts of her parents. All the while, the diffuse memory of a life long lost hangs over them both like a tormented spectre.But all is not lost, for in the darkness a single stubborn glimmer of hope seeks to force the hand of fate and put the world back as it should have been...





	1. A world that has ended

It was past midnight when the shutter doors opened and a woman stepped out into the small garden at the back of the local bakery. In other circumstances she would have been considered very beautiful, blessed with long beautiful hair, a youthful appearance and buxom physique. But as the moon shone down upon her it highlighted her face, revealing deep lines of worry and purple dark circles under her eyes. In the pale light, she looked almost like a ghost.

She sank down on the bench just outside the door and in pure exhaustion put her head on the shoulder of the man who was already sitting there. He sat slouched on the bench, hands white with flour, a worn apron tied around his waist. Just like his wife, he was certainly very handsome, muscular with a strong jawline and a head full of wild hair. But if you looked closer, from the way his shoulders sagged to how he listlessly sucked on his cigarette, you would see that he too, was broken.

"Is she finally asleep?"

His wife nodded, eyes closed. The man took another deep drag from his cigarette, sending a cloud of smoke up towards the night sky.

"I don't know what to do anymore," the woman whispered. "Every day she slips a little further away from me."

"It's like she's given up on life. Even when she isn't sick all she wants to do is sit in her room, staring at the walls. She has no friends and doesn't want to go out unless we force her. Doesn't eat, doesn't laugh, doesn't....live." The woman swallowed hard.

"She'll turn 25 in a few short years, you know? Apart from the brief time when she tried to work she hasn't done anything since she graduated high school. She should be falling in love, travelling, studying, finding her place in the world. But instead, she just sits there, waiting for life to...end." The woman burst into tears. Her husband hugged her tightly, his face still hard, his hands clinging to his cigarette so hard he almost crushed the filter.

"I'm just so afraid that she is losing the will to live. That one day she will just decide not to wake up." The woman continued to cry for a short while, then dried her tears and composed herself again.

"To you know what she told me today?"

The man silently shook his head.

"She said there's something wrong with the world. That for her the world has already ended." The woman looked up at her husband's face, which was growing increasingly grey.

"What are we doing wrong?! She doesn't smile at our jokes anymore, doesn't smile at anything. And she is becoming so hard, like that sweet girl she used to be didn't exists in the first place. If I just knew what she needed. If I had just given her..." The woman's voice faded away, her face gazing into the night as if hoping to find her answers out there.

"It's not your fault. You're a wonderful mom, Sanae. Have always been."

The woman named Sanae gave a weak smile, still staring into the night.

"That psychiatrist says she's still depressed, it's like she mourning something. He wants to give her more pills. But I looked at the prescription, the price is-"

"It's fine," the man interrupted. "I'll go to the bank again tomorrow." He smiled down at his wife, stroking her hair.

"But we can only just barely afford her sessions as it is! And with the bakery just barely breaking even where will we find the money?"

"It'll work out, I promise you. We'll figure something out." Tenderly, he kissed her on top of the head before taking another drag from the cigarette. "We always do."

With gritted teeth the woman nodded, fighting to keep her panic under control. Gazing into her husband's eyes she kept nodding ever more vigorously as if trying to convince herself that what his words were true.

"First thing tomorrow I'll go around the schools. Perhaps I can get a second job as a teaching assistant in the evenings."

The man gravely agreed. 

"I think I can find some more things to sell off. The baseball stuff for example."

"But, but-" His wife was looking aghast at the prospect.

"They're just things, Sanae. They can be replaced. I only have one daughter. You and she are the only two things in my life that I will never be able to replace." He put out the cigarette and rose, slapping his cheeks to try to wake up. "Time to go to work again, I need to prepare the dough for tomorrow. You should try to get some sleep."

Her heartbreak written clearly upon her beautiful face, his wife nodded and rose alongside him, opening the shutters back into their home. But before they had stepped over the threshold she spoke again.

"By the way, does the name Ushio mean anything to you?"

Her husband gave a slight jerk when he heard the name, looking profoundly confused for a moment as if trying to remember something he had long since forgotten. Sanae looked intently at him, her eyes showing that she knew exactly what he felt.

"Sounds awfully familiar, doesn't it?"

"Yes, but I can't quite place it. Where did you hear it?"

"When I came in tonight I found Nagisa in her bed, shaking, desperately clutching her stomach, whimpering that name over and over. Took me half an hour get a coherent sentence out of her."

Scratching his head the man shrugged his shoulders. "Could it have been...womanly troubles?"

Sanae gave her husband a sad smile. She loved the man to death, but in some areas, he was woefully ignorant.

"Nagisa hasn't had her period in over a year. I talked to the doctor about it. Apparently, it happens sometimes when the body is under great stress."

"An old classmate then perhaps?"

"Could have been," Sanae responded, clearly unconvinced. "I just don't remember anyone by that name."

"Perhaps when you go around the schools tomorrow, you can take Nagisa with you? Might do her some good to see the schools again. See some normal young people. Last time I saw her really happy must have been back when she was in high school."

Sanae hesitated. "She says she is too weak to go outside..."

"Then take the wheelchair. Surely anything is better than leaving her up in that room."

Sanae nodded, the couple kissed and went into the house, closing the doors behind them. The first red shimmers on the horizon were already heralding the sun's arrival. For a split second, the garden was silent. Then a faint pop split the silence and from within the shadows of the Sakura trees, a new fierce little voice spoke quietly into the night.

"Hang in there, grandparents of Fuko's best friend. Fuko swears by all that is star-shaped she will not let it end like this."


	2. Desert rain

Even under her large sunhat, the bright spring sunshine made Nagisa's eyes hurt. She was used to the dark and cool of her room and hated to go outside. The world was bright and loud and full of things that wanted to hurt her, only at home was she safe. Apart from that, she was ashamed, so ashamed of the looks she got whenever she ventured outside. That poor sickly girl, face gaunt like a corpse, thin as a stick, barely clinging to life.

At least the sun hat hid her hair, which in the last year had started to fall out. As if her life wasn't bad enough as it was, Nagisa was in her early twenties and she was going bald. The doctors told her it was because she wasn't eating enough but she had long since stopped taking their advice. After all these years they hadn't been able to find out a single thing about the vicious illness that had robbed her of her health and her youth. She was so sick of them poking and prodding her, telling her what to do, pumping her full of drugs that made her both dizzy and numb. Yet nothing they did kept the episodes away. Or the nightmares. What was the point of it all? A few more years and it would with all likelihood be over for her anyway. She was convinced that was for the best, at least then she wouldn't be such a burden for her poor parents.

Now she sat there, in her wheelchair, outside one of the popular high schools of central Hikarizaka City, wishing she could sink through the earth. Her mother had, overruling her objections, forced her to come along for today's errands. Which seemed to involve an everlasting series of tortures.

Everything that had been denied her was paraded in front of very eyes. Young pretty healthy girls in their spring dresses skipped in and out of the schools by the hundreds, laughing and talking with their friends, some even hand in hand with their boyfriends. Only a few glanced her way, some speaking in hushed voices before quickly hurrying past. Nagisa hadn't had a real friend in years, never mind a boyfriend. At first, it hadn't been so bad but over the years the sadness had turned to cynicism inside her heart, causing her to resent even the few that had made the effort to try to get close to her. Soon she would die alone, bitter, friendless and unloved. Meanwhile, everyone around her got to enjoy life.

After a while, she just looked down into the street. That way she didn't have to meet anyone's eyes, didn't have to witness all the things she was missing out on. After a while the noticed a pair of shoes standing still right before her, not moving. Finally, Nagisa felt forced to look up, straight into a pair of big golden eyes.

"Hmmm, Fuko isn't sure. Is it Nagisa or not?"

The girl standing in front of her was petite, with long wild brown and silvery hair tied up with a ribbon, dressed in what looked like a school uniform. She would surely become very beautiful when she grew up, Nagisa mused bitterly. The girl shook her head at Nagisa's expression.

"The other Nagisa never frowned. Fuko thinks it doesn't suit Nagisa. She should stop doing it." Before Nagisa could react the girl stepped in closer, placing her fingers on her cheeks and pulling the corners of Nagisa's mouth up until they formed a smile.

"Much better! Now Fuko recognizes Nagisa!" She exclaimed before Nagisa angrily slapped her hands away.

"So rude! Fuko only wants to help." The girl looked at Nagisa in shock, massaging her hands.

"How do you even know my name?" Nagisa demanded sourly.

"Fuko knows everything!"

"Why do you talk like that? Are you retarded or something?" Nagisa spat in an ugly voice. The words felt wrong as soon as they had left her, leaving an aftertaste like bile in her mouth. The little girl looked genuinely hurt, staring back at Nagisa in disbelief before muttering back in a quiet voice.

"Fuko definitely liked the other Nagisa better."

"Why don't you go to her then and leave me alone! " Nagisa shot back, folding her arms across her chest. For a moment the two girls locked eyes. The little girl had a steely glint in her gaze, refusing to back down. At last Nagisa averted her eyes.

"That Nagisa is gone, Fuko knows that. But even if this Nagisa is rude there is something Fuko wants her to see. Maybe then she will remember." Without further ceremony, the girl sprinted around Nagisa's wheelchair and started to wheel her off the main street.

"Where...where are you taking me?" In that instant, Nagisa was gripped by panic, her fear of the world and everything in it taking hold of her.

"Fuko has decided to forgive Nagisa for her rudeness. Fuko will help Nagisa. Fuko is like that, helpful and forgiving."

The girls had started to wheel Nagisa into one of the side alleys, next to the street. It was dank and dark, with various foul odours perfusing the air. Instinctively Nagisa tried to stop the wheelchair with her hands, but her strength proved no match to the little girl and the wheels just kept on turning. Years of doing little except lying in bed had made her so weak that she had trouble even pushing her wheelchair over long distances. Nagisa was yet again reminded why she hated her weak body, hated its frailty, the skeleton-like appearance, the pale and clammy skin.  

"Stop! I want to go back!" She yelped as the wheels burned her palms. Panicking, she pinched her eyes shut and curled up in the wheelchair.

"Fuko thinks Nagisa is still a little crybaby. Fuko will take Nagisa back as soon as she does as Fuko says. Nagisa doesn't need to worry, doing what Fuko says is always the right thing to do. Fuko always knows what to do."

Slowly Nagisa opened her eyes again. The wheelchair stopped halfway down the alley. The girl with the golden eyes jumped back in front of Nagisa who again shrank back into the wheelchair.

"Why are we here? What is it you want with me?" Nagisa stammered.

"Fuko wants you to look around. Perhaps you will recognize something?" The girl said in a hopeful innocent voice while taking off her backpack.

Nagisa looked around. The alley was nothing special, a couple of dumpsters, a pile of broken tires in a corner, an oil drum, a few thoroughly rusted old fire escape ladders, an old shopping cart. She was just about to turn back to the girl when a slightly warm breeze passed over her right foot. Glancing down, she then immediately grabbed the wheels of her wheelchair and bolted backwards.

"There is a man lying here!"

"Fuko knows that," the girl responded coolly. "Don’t you perhaps recognize him?"

"What? No! Why would I recognize some hobo?" Nagisa yelped. The girl looked thoroughly disappointed. Nagisa could see the man's chest rising and falling. Clearly, he was breathing, but apart from that, it looked like he was in really poor condition. She rolled the wheelchair another step backwards as the stench of urine and vomit washed over her. The little girl's shoulders fell as Nagisa pulled back, slowly shaking her head.

"Is he your friend or something?" Nagisa asked warily.

"Him?!?" The little girl snorted and turned her head away from the man in a highly theatrical manner. "Hmphf! He's rude and ungrateful! Fuko hates him! He's Fuko's archenemy!" Yet despite her hard words, the little girl carefully reached into her backpack and placed a clean towel, a bar of soap, bread, some vegetables and bottled water next to the man. It was clear she had some kind of connection with the man. And despite pretending to the contrary, it broke the girl's heart to see him like this.

Having calmed down a bit Nagisa studied the man on the street more carefully. He had a shaggy black beard which made it hard to tell his age. His face was smeared with dirt, his mouth half-open and eyes closed. The rancid breath that reached all the way to her wheelchair and the various bottles of cheap liquor spread around the alley made it clear why he was lying sleeping in an alley in the middle of the day. Dressed in a rough overcoat and stained baseball cap he laid curled up directly on the street with only a few newspapers between him and the hard stone beneath.

Listening closely Nagisa could hear the man was quietly sobbing to himself, his hoarse voice humming some indistinguishable tune. Clutched tightly against his chest was a piece of soiled cloth. It somehow looked vaguely familiar but looking closer only revealed exactly how revolting the man really was. Deep down Nagisa knew she was supposed to feel some form of sympathy for the poor man. But it was like that part of her, the part that was supposed to be soft and loving, had somehow gone cold. So instead with a disgusted sigh, she averted her gaze away from the homeless man and turned it back towards the girl.

"Is this why you brought me here? My mom will be back any minute. If you don't take me back now I will scream." she demanded of the girl.

"Fuko wanted to show Nagisa that she isn't the only one hurting. And tell her that Fuko has not forgotten all that Nagisa did for Fuko. Fuko will never forget. Foku will never stop fighting to get back that which was stolen from her. To get Ushio back."

"Ushio?" The name struck Nagisa like a bolt of lightning. Dazed, something flashed before her eyes. The dark alley, previously washed out without colours, suddenly jumped to life. Inside her chest, her heart throbbed as if it had forgotten what it meant to pump life throughout her body and was now suddenly called upon to perform a duty it had all but forgotten.

For the briefest of moments, the image of a little girl dashing across a field of sunflowers in wild euphoria stood out clear as day in her mind. She could see herself in an airy dress, smiling and holding a parasol. But the Nagisa in the image was so unlike the worthless despicable face that she was forced to look upon in the mirror every morning that she was almost unrecognizable. This Nagisa stood tall, strong and proud, soft and loving, full of grace and beauty, unafraid of the world around her. And beside her...

But just as quickly the image faded again, leaving Nagisa feeling like she just woke up from a dream that was now slipping through her fingers.

"Nagisa was right. This world is wrong, it is not as it should be. Fuko does not know why or how it ended, there is so much Fuko has forgotten."

The little girl looked very sad for a moment but then gritted her teeth and raised her eyes again with fierce determination. "But! Fuko remembers Ushio, and so Fuko remembers Ushio's parents."

The girl glanced down at the homeless man again, then back at Nagisa with the same sad face.

"Even if they don't remember themselves anymore."

Nagisa squinted her eyes and looked at the girl again. Once again reality seemed to flicker before her eyes. Why did the sight of this girl fill Nagisa's head with the sensation of carving wood? Her fingertips traced the palms of her own hands, searching for calluses that weren't there but that she suddenly remembered so clearly. Had they been in an arts and crafts class together? But that can't have been, this girl must be ten years younger than her.

"Do I know you from somewhere? Have...have we met before?" Nagisa stuttered. The girl's face lit up like fireworks.

"Fuko knew it! Fuko knew there was still a little bit of the old Nagisa left! That means there must be a little bit of Ushio left as well! Somewhere in there!" The girl poked Nagisa in the stomach and then jumped high in a pirouette, punching her fist into the air. Afterwards, she started to pace back and forth in front of Nagisa, folding her brow in deep thought.

"Fuko just have to figure out a way to get her out!" The girl got on her knees, grabbed hold of Nagisa, lifted her shirt and put her mouth against the bare skin of Nagisa's belly. She normally loathed being touched some somehow this felt strangely pleasant. In another life, far away, she had been so proud of something there inside.

"Hold on Ushio! Fuko will get you out of there!"

"Nagisa!" came Sanae's cry from the street beyond. Looking over her shoulder she could see her mother desperately racing towards her. Immediately upon reaching Nagisa, her mother took her face in her slender hands, kissing it and then desperately looking it over for any trace of injury.

"Honey are you ok?" Sane looked around her, seeing the homeless man and immediately taking a step forward, placing herself between Nagisa and the man.

"Nagisa, did this man, did he do something to you?" She all but shrieked.

"Mom, no! I'm ok. This little girl needed my help so I followed her here." Nagisa pointed to the little girl with the unruly hair, who had retreated away from Nagisa when Sanae had stormed into the alley. With a guilty face, the girl now folded her hands behind her back and looked up at the sky, whistling off-key. Sanae stared at the point where Nagisa was pointing in confusion for a moment, seemingly looking past the girl at the alley wall behind her. Finally, with a guilt-ridden face, she placed her hand in front of her mouth and turned back to Nagisa.

"Oh, honey." Sanae carefully put her hand on her only daughter's forehead. "You must be having another episode. I should have listened to you and let you stay home." Nagisa opened her mouth to argue, but no words came out. Instead, she glanced over at the little girl again, standing there next to them clear as day.

"She can't see Fuko," shrugged the little girl, almost apologetically.

Am I going crazy? Nagisa thought to herself. Seeing people that no one else could see certainly wasn't a good sign. Still, the mischievous smile of the little girl as she waved goodbye somehow lifted her spirits. So despite it all, as carefully as she could she lifted her own hand and waved back while Sanae turned the wheelchair around and started to wheel her out. But when she looked back again the girl was gone, leaving behind only the homeless man in the alley. So it hadn't been real after all. Just another fever dream, just another cruel trick her mind had played upon her. Nagisa slumped in her wheelchair, the world turning grey and dull around her once more.

But just as Sanae hurried her out of the alley, one final flash of colour raced before Nagisa's eyes. Two friendly eyes from her childhood smiled up at her from the depths of her memory. Twisting her head over her shoulder, she caught one last glimpse of the ragged piece of cloth the bearded homeless alcoholic was hugging so tightly. For a fraction of a second, before the alley left her view, those same friendly eyes smiled right back at her.

As remembrance surged through her like wildfire Nagisa's trembling lips silently formed the lyrics of the song the man had been sobbing to himself. How could she not have recognized that song?

" _Dango, dango daikazoku..._ "


	3. Split in half

"Nagisa, please pay attention."  
  
Sanae tenderly stroked her daughter across the chin. Nagisa looked up from the wheelchair, startled, eyes still distant. She was with her mother in the office of yet another in a long line of doctors. But this office looked more like the study of some old aristocrat, with expensive furniture and books lining the walls. A fat man with a fancy suit and smile that was too wide sat behind the desk opposite them. Numbly, Nagisa nodded as she knew was expected of her.   
  
"Yes mom."

Satisfied, the man nodded back and spoke in a sugary voice.

  
"So, like I was saying, this experimental new hormonal treatment our company has developed has shown very promising results in...special cases such as yours."   
  
Nagisa has heard it a thousand time before. It was fancy talk for that they didn't know what to try and this was yet another longshot. The man’s smile was now so wide that it threatened to split his face in two.   
  
"But for it to work you have to eat. Will you promise to be a good girl and do that?"   
  
"Yes doctor."   
  
"Good, good! Then that's sorted. And you have cleared everything with the finance department, Mrs Furukawa?"   
  
"My husband is with them right now working out a payment plan" Sanae smiled an forced smile, glancing anxiously over at Nagisa. Like she didn't already know she was driving her parents to the brink of ruin.   
  
"Excellent, I guess that is all there is to it then." The doctor raised an elaborate pen, signing a piece of paper before handing it over to Sanae who promptly bowed in response.   
  
"I have to repeat: The medicine does come with a significant side effect," said the doctor hesitantly, his smile faltering slightly. He looked at Sanae uncomfortably and shifted slightly behind his desk, adjusting his glasses.   
  
"As I said, in women, the medicine has a permanent effect on the ovaries. In nine out of ten cases it causes sterility. As a result, many patients experience a permanent loss of...hrm...sexual urges."   
  
Sex drive? Children? Nagisa almost laughed out loud. Yet it wasn't funny at all. So instead, she just gave the doctor a flat stare. He squirmed uncomfortably.   
  
"Do we have a choice?" Sanae was graceful as always. Only her daughter could sense the icy cold behind her carefully constructed exterior.   
  
"No, no I guess you don't. Given the last episode....in any case, in Ms Nagisa's case perhaps it is for the best. The stress of a pregnancy on such a fragile physique..."   
  
Nagisa closed her eyes for a moment in an effort to keep her composure. Just stop. Please just stop.   
  
"Still, I have to ask for the record. Are you sexually active Ms Nagisa?"   
  
It wasn't working. Tears started to well up in Nagisa's eyes. Quickly she looked down to hide her embarrassment. Couldn't he see that no one would ever want to touch her in that way? Sanae once again gently gripped Nagisa's hand and stroked it with her fingers.   
  
"No doctor, my daughter is not active in that way," she said in a tightly controlled voice, folding up the paper and putting it in her purse. "If that is all may we please go now?"   
  
"Of course, of course! I just need your signature on this waiver." Sanae signed so quickly that the doctor almost looked startled.     
  
"And we are done! No need to look so sad miss. You can't miss what you never had, right?" he chuckled awkwardly. Sanae didn't smile back at the doctor. Instead, she had a sudden urge to call for her husband and his trusty baseball bat. Barely constraining herself she rolled Nagisa out of the room, burdened by the knowledge that yet another one of life's pleasures had now been denied her only daughter. 

* * *

  
  
That night Nagisa sat out in the open air, looking up at the evening sky. Her parents were both out for the evening, no doubt on some errand to raise more money for her treatments. Nagisa knew she was supposed to stay at home but had found the air in her room suffocating, like she couldn't breathe there. So instead she had wheeled her chair out into the small square in front of the Furukawa bakery.   
  
Next to her was the swingset she had used to play with when she was little child. With sad eyes, she viewed it up and down. When did her life get to this point where she couldn't even ride a swing? From her pocket, she produced the medicine bottle she had gotten from the doctor this morning. A white plastic bottle that when opened was full of tiny white pills. Nagisa picked one up and studied it between her fingertips. Such as small thing, yet one way or the other it would change her life forever.   
  
Since she was little Nagisa had always known she wanted to have a baby. Someone small and soft that she could cradle, someone to shower with kisses and love. Someone to live for. The thought of another human being so utterly dependant on her was terrifying yet so true.   
  
Nagisa found it hard to pin words to the feeling. It was something very primal, something that transcended definitions and rational thought. Something she just knew, something that lived and breathed deep in her very bones. Something she would carry with her until the day she died.   
  
After looking around and making sure no one was watching Nagisa put the pill back in the bottle and screwed the top back on. Then she gently folded her arms over her stomach and cradled her imaginary child in her arms, softly rocking it back and forth. Last week's hallucination crept back into her mind. The doctors had told her she shouldn't dwell upon it, that it had just been a fever dream. Stray memory fragments that had been woven together by her untrustworthy brain. Yet try as she might she just couldn't get the vision out of her mind. This was perhaps her last chance to dream that dream before she had to kill it. That little girl, racing across a field of sunflowers. Someone that looked so much like her yet wasn't her. Nagisa's hands wandered to her stomach.   
  
Something she could remember yet wasn't a memory flooded through her mind. The feeling of something there inside kicking. She blinked, the deep green of the trees around her seemingly leaping out at her, filling the grey dusk with colours. In her mind, the world turned and twisted, engulfing her in a vortex made up all the things that should have been.   
  
The feeling of small lips closing around her breast, suckling eagerly. Long sleepless nights, spent wandering with something warm and soft on her shoulder. And finally falling asleep with a smile on her face, watching a small chest rise and fall, a small hand gripping her own. Nagisa raised her hand in front of her eyes, squinting even if the night was almost upon her. The light from the streetlights was suddenly almost blinding.  No matter how she tried to shield her eyes, it seemed to slip right past, seemingly penetrating both flesh and bone.   
  
Lowering her head to avert her eyes, her jaw dropped at what she saw. She was standing up. While she wasn't paralysed or anything like that it had still been almost a month since she had last stood on her own two feet. Her last episode had left her so drained in body and spirit that she just hadn't found the energy. Tentatively, she took a step forward. Her legs screamed back at her but she promptly ignored them. Shaking all over, still clutching the medicine bottle in her right hand she forced the other foot forward. The swingset was just a few feet away. Nagisa set her jaw. She could make it.   
  
She didn't. On the next step, her legs buckled under her. With a yelp, she collapsed onto the dirt, sending the bottle flying. Razor-sharp pebbles dug their way into her palms and knees, drawing blood. In humiliation, she crawled in the dirt back to her wheelchair and somehow managed to heave herself onto it.   
  
It was all wishful thinking, all make-believe. She would never have a child. Her body was useless, all withered and dried up. And even it wasn't she was too weak for something like that. Not to mention it wasn't really something she could accomplish by herself. The more she thought about it, the more she came to realize the medicine didn't really change a thing. These things had been lost to her a long time ago. Wiping a single tear from her eyes Nagisa picked up the medicine bottle from the ground, unscrewed the bottle cap and picked up a single white pill.   
  
"Nagisa should put that down," came a growl from the bushes. Nagisa jumped, almost dropping the bottle. A pair of angry golden eyes stepped out into the light.   
  
"Not you again."   
  
"That thing is poison. It is death. Fuko knows this."   
  
Nagisa didn't know which was worse. If the little girl was a figment of her imagination or if she was real. Either way, she had absolutely zero regards for Nagisa's privacy. And her many and repeated objections had most definitely fallen on deaf ears. The girl could pop up anywhere. In the garden. In Nagisa's room. In the bath. When she wasn't scolding Nagisa for not being pregnant yet she usually went on long nonsensical rants about the supposed excellence of starfish.   
  
"Go away."   
  
The girl looked hurt. She always looked hurt whenever Nagisa rejected her ideas or wanted to get rid of her.   
  
"Fuko will go away if Nagisa gives Fuko that," she pointed an accusing finger at the medicine bottle.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Fuko already told Nagisa that. It means death."   
  
"This is medicine. It will help me, not harm me."   
  
"It is evil. It will kill the Nagisa that should have been. And it will kill Ushio."

Colors danced at the edge of Nagisa vision at the mention of that name.

  
"That doesn't make sense. You can't kill something that doesn't exist."   
  
"Fuko always makes perfect sense. Nagisa is just being stubborn. Give it to Fuko!" The girl stretched out one hand in and put the other on her hip. She was so sure she would get her will. Why wouldn't she? Everyone got their will with Nagisa. All she ever did was to roll over. And she was so tired of it.   
  
"No." Nagisa raised her hand towards her mouth while keeping her eyes on the girl.   
  
An expression of utter terror washed over the girl and she bolted with shocking speed towards Nagisa and threw herself at the much larger girl without any concern whatsoever for herself.   
  
"No! Nagisa mustn't!" The girl clung like a monkey to Nagisa's arm and furiously tried to pry open her hand to get the pill out. When Nagisa wouldn't open her fist the girl opened her mouth and sank a set of surprisingly sharp teeth into Nagisa's arm. Nagisa yelped in surprise as the little girl snapped the pill right out of her hand with a victorious grin. But in the commotion the girl with the golden eyes lost her balance, falling backwards with flailing arms onto the hard street. Even so, the first thing she did when she was landed was to smash the white pill into the dirt, crushing it. Dusting herself off with a grim smile the girl got to her feet again. One down.   
  
But her smile faded when her eyes fell on Nagisa again. For in the meanwhile the older girl had produced another pill from the bottle and was now holding it an inch from her mouth, eyes wide in fury.   
  
"Don't come closer! I'll do it!"   
  
"Nagisa must listen to Fuko! Nagisa must do as Fuko says!"   
  
"Stop telling me what to do!" Nagisa screeched down at the girl. "You don't know me!" Panting Nagisa's eyes shot daggers. The little girl looked miserable as she cowed under Nagisa's fury.   
  
"You know what my parents had to go through to get me this medicine? They have given up their entire lives and any chance of happiness for me. And you want me to just throw all that away?"   
  
Fuko just glared stubbornly back up at her.   
  
"For what? Some made up child!"   
  
"Ushio is not made up! Fuko remembers her!"   
  
"And I'm her mother? So who's the father then?"   
  
Fuko opened her mouth as if to speak but then closed it again, instead clenching her jaw tight.   
  
"No one that's who!” Nagisa laughed a mirthless laugh.

”Have you seen me? Huh?" She tore off her hat with her free hand, revealing a head with only sparse patches of hair left. The little girl looked shocked at the sight.  
  
"Fuko thinks Nagisa is beautiful. Fuko has always thought so," the girl on the ground finally muttered, eyes lowered.   
  
"You can't even look at me! You think someone would want to marry me?"   
  
Fuko looked up again, her eyes a mix of fire and sadness. "There is nothing Fuko is more sure of."   
  
"You think someone would want to...to...with this?" Nagisa hands gestured at her gaunt form, a disgusted grimace upon her face. Not waiting for an answer, she shook her head furiously.   
  
"No. No, I will not dishonour my parents' sacrifice by giving in to some ludicrous fantasy." She held up the pill so that the streetlight fell upon it, turning it over between her fingers.   
  
"I only wish this pill was indeed poison so that their misery could end before I drive them out of their home and onto the streets." And with that, she swallowed the pill whole.   
  
"Nooooo!" Fuko screamed, desperately stumbling her way towards Nagisa on all fours. The light in her golden eyes seemed to fade as it gave way to utter hopelessness. Coldly Nagisa turned her wheelchair around and started to roll away.   
  
"No! It can't end like this! Fuko won't let it!" the girl screeched behind Nagisa.   
  
"You don't even exist," Nagisa told herself, increasing her speed.   
  
"Fuko does exist! Fuko is real! And so is Ushio!"   
  
Just like last time the name caused colours to bloom before Nagisa's eyes. But this time she didn't embrace the vision, instead ruthlessly pushing it aside while propelling her wheelchair forward with all her might. She didn’t care where she was going, she only wanted to get away.   
  
"None of this is real, none of it," she muttered to herself. Nagisa pinched her eyes shut, closing off the outside world. Her ragged breath was burning a hole in her chest. Her palms were raw and her arms felt like they were ready to fall off. Yet somehow she managed to increase her speed even further. Rattling and shaking, the wheelchair raced forward.   
  
"Stop! Nagisa! No, stop!" The voice was further away now, yet it seemed even more desperate.   
  
"It's all in my head, all in my head-"   
  
Then came the sound of screeching tires against the asphalt. Nagisa's eyes flew open straight into two blinding lights. There was a loud bang and for a moment she could fly.   
  
Like a soft wet blanket, darkness closed in on Nagisa Furukawa from all sides.

* * *

  
  
Lights. Sound. Pain.   
  
"Female. Early twenties. Struck by a hit and run. Concussion, possible spinal injury and internal bleeding." Someone forced Nagisa's eyes open and shone a bright light on them.   
  
"Normal pupillary response. That's promising. You carried her the whole way here?"   
  
"Yes," said another voice. It was coarse and deep, a voice Nagisa had never heard before. Yet the sound of it was the most familiar and comforting thing that had ever fallen upon her ears.   
  
"So you witnessed the accident?"   
  
"No. Someone....someone came to get me."   
  
"I see, can you please set her down? We need to examine her properly."   
  
"I'm trying," said the comforting rough voice. "But she won't let go."   
  
Of course Nagisa refused to let go. She clung fast like her life depended on it. This was home, she instinctively knew it. Finally, after all the struggle she had gone through she had finally found her way. Not even when she was little and Akio had carried her around on his shoulders had she felt so at home as she did right now. Let go? Never. Only here did she belong. This must be heaven.   
  
But if that was the case, why did heaven smell like urine and cheap whiskey?   
  
"Nagisa!" A door flew open and two diffuse familiar shapes rushed towards her.   
  
"Mom?" Nagisa tried to open her eyes properly. Several men in white rushed in to keep the newcomers away.   
  
"Please don't touch her! We don't know if her spine has been damaged. Are you her parents?"   
  
"Yes," said another voice, thick with emotion.   
  
"Dad?"   
  
"Your daughter has been in an accident," said a man in white next to her.   
  
"We are lucky she got here so quickly. This man probably saved her life. But right not it is imperative that we examine her. She needs to let go. Can you see if you can talk to her?"   
  
Nagisa looked up. Someone was looking back down at her, past her eyes and straight into her soul. Beyond a dirty beard, two hard and worn eyes lit up like a christmas tree when they saw her. Nagisa Furukawa, with her skeletal body and balding head. No one had ever looked at her like that. For the first time in years, she smiled.   
  
"Nagisa, honey. You need to let go," came her mother's voice from far away.   
  
Only with great reluctance did Nagisa slowly release her grip on the man's overcoat. With the greatest care, as if there was nothing more important to him in this world, he slowly started to lower her onto the stretcher next to them. All the while he never took his eyes off Nagisa. And she couldn't take her eyes off him. For what else were they to do when they had lived their whole adult lives split right down the middle and finally in one moment of perfect clarity suddenly became whole again?   
  
They two of them simply stared at each other in disbelief as the nurses carefully started to wheel Nagisa away. Without thinking, she stretched out her hand towards the homeless man. And without thinking he stretched his hand right back.   
  
"Has she taken any medicines we should know about?" The lead doctor, a young man with blond hair prompted Sanae. He stretched his hands out forward so that a nurse could help into his green scrubs.   
  
"Yes," Sanae showed the doctor the prescription she had received that very morning. The young doctor frowned and snorted in obvious disapproval as he read the piece of paper. He quickly followed Nagisa's stretcher with brisk steps, whispering to the nurse that has helped him into his clothes.   
  
"I'm not taking any chances. Pump her stomach. Stat."   
  
"Yes, doctor."   
  
Not until Nagisa disappeared into the examination room did the homeless man look up, a dazed look on his rugged face. Tentatively he took a step towards the examination room before remembering himself and stopping before Sanae and Akio. As soon as Nagisa had disappeared from sight Sanae all but collapsed on her knees before the man, head lowered, tears streaming from her face.   
  
"How can we ever thank you? You saved our daughter. Our only daughter."   
  
"It was nothing" the homeless man grumbled, averting his eyes and shifting around uncomfortably. As Sanae cried on the floor the spell broke and the man's face hardened again. He turned around and started to walk away. But he soon found his way blocked by a baseball bat. Turning around he locked eyes with the bat's wielder.   
  
"It was _not_ nothing," Akio said gravely. "It was everything." The homeless man nodded in recognition and Akio nodded with him before lowering his bat again. Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his filthy coat the homeless man started to shuffle towards the exit.   
  
"Hey, brat. What's your name?" Akio called after him.   
  
Turning around one last time, the homeless man scratched his head as if he might have forgotten it. After a while, he cleared his throat and spoke with a voice, clearer and stronger than before.   
  
"Tomoya. My name is Tomoya."   
  
Amongst all the commotion no one seemed to notice the small girl as she slipped out of the examination room the doctors had rolled Nagisa into. Quick as lightning she darted down the hallway and into an empty bathroom. Once inside she produced a bottle of pills from her pocket. For a moment she held the bottle in her bruised hands, red puffy eyes glaring at it in utter contempt before gleefully opening the bottle and pouring its contents into the toilet bowl.   
  
"Never bet against Fuko," the girl spat viciously at the pills as she flushed the toilet, watching the tiny white specks swirling down into the sewers with grim satisfaction.   
  
"For, in the end, Fuko always gets what Fuko wants."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I really went all in on the emotional battering ram concept with this one. Did it work or was it just an angsty belly flop? 
> 
> You tell me.


	4. Why aren't you knocked up yet?

Nagisa knew she was dreaming. The spring wind was playing in her hair, caressing her face, threatening to lift her skirt. Smiling, she kept her eyes closed, not wanting to leave the moment. She wanted to stay in this world where real problems didn't exist, where her greatest fear was that someone might catch a glimpse of her underwear. The smell of spring in the air, the feeling of cherry blossom petals brushing up against her, the sounds of laughter in the air made all the old memories come flooding back. Nagisa wriggled her toes, feeling the familiar inside of her formal shoes. Her itching kneehigh socks, the skirt that was always too short, her jacket that was always too hot, even the uncomfortable straps of her bra, digging into her shoulders. In the real world, Nagisa hadn't worn a bra in years, her withered frame was no longer in need of that kind of support. Nor did she have any hair left for the wind to play with.

In the dream she trembling raised a hand towards her head and pulled down a stray lock of hair in front of her face. The smell of mom's shampoo filled her nostrils. She let go of the lock and let her hand wander down her face and neck until it reached her jacket. Her skin felt soft and warm, not like the parched and dry skin she knew she had these days. Sheepishly Nagisa let her hand wander further down and her breath caught in her throat. Even before her disease had robbed her of her female form she had always had a rather humble figure. But humble or not, now there was most definitely something there beneath her hand.

Nagisa could remember it all as if it was yesterday. She had been here before. Slowly she opened her eyes.

Before her eyes, the hill leading up to her old high school lay before her in a sea of brilliant colours. The bright green leaves, the soft pink cherry blossoms, the dazzling blue sky. Not able to contain herself Nagisa giggled girlishly. She remembered standing here, afraid to walk up the hill after having to redo her first year. She had been petrified with fear, with doubt, unable to take so much as a step. It had taken her three days to summon the courage to ascend the hill. She remembers how the teachers had scolded her. 

This was supposed to be a place associated with so many negative things. Sickness, fear, failure. A nightmare. Yet it wasn't. This place was special to her, something wonderful had happened here. It felt like...

Like the place where her life had begun.

"You can't stay here."

Nagisa swung around. Behind her stood a boy, wearing a school uniform from the same school as her. He was a lot taller than Nagisa, with black unruly hair and a briefcase tossed over his shoulder. All in all, he looked like a normal boy. Except that where his face should be there was instead a ghostly white blur as if it's very existence had been wiped out.

"You have to go back. It's not safe for you here."

"Not safe?" Nagisa could not bring herself to believe his words. She had never felt so safe anywhere in her life. Just as the world she lived in was wrong, something about this place was right.

"Just trust me."

And Nagisa found that she did, implicitly, without question. She reached up her hand up towards the boy's missing face.

"I know you."

He took a step backwards.

"No, you don't. We've never met." He spoke with such conviction as if trying to will his words to become reality.

Nagisa turned around, looking up the hill towards the school. It was like the veil was slowly lifting from her mind. Images were flashing through her mind. Walking up the hill. Eating lunch together. Being in a play. Playing baseball. Holding hands. Kis...

Kissing? Nagisa placed a finger on her lips. She had never been kissed yet she remembered the feeling of another pair of lips on hers. Day after day, night after night. She took a step closer to the boy.

"We have. You walked me up the hill on that first day. Don't you remember me?"

The question hit the boy like a punch in the gut. Nagisa could see him physically cringing. Nagisa reached out but the boy jumped back, his voice choking up, tears falling to the ground beneath the empty face.

"No! You stay away from me!"

Nagisa retracted, scared and hurt. Upon seeing her reaction the boy instinctively took a step towards her, reaching out a hand as if to comfort her. But he quickly backed off again. The previously so vibrant colours were turning dark and grey around them.

"You don't understand! If you stay here if you continue down this path it will be the death of you! You're so much better off without me. I'll bring you only death and misery, it's all I'm good for."

Raising an arm to wipe the tears of his faceless features the boy turned around and started to walk briskly up the hill.

"Wait! No! Don't leave me!" Nagisa screamed after him. But all around her, the dream was collapsing. She stumbled after him but her legs betrayed her, sending her tumbling to her knees. Desperately reaching for the faceless boy she was catapulted back into consciousness.

\----

Nagisa opened her eyes. The room shimmered into view before her eyes. She was lying in a hospital bed with white lines surrounded by a blue plastic curtain. From somewhere she could feel a warm afternoon breeze and the sound of bird chatter. The small section seemed empty except for...

Oh no.

"Ha! They thought Nagisa might never wake up but Fuko knew better! Are you pregnant now?" The golden eyed girl demanded, standing up from the chair next to the bed and pointing straight towards Nagisa.

"Pregnant? What? No!" Nagisa blurted out.

"When a boy and girl hugs the girl gets pregnant, isn't that how it works?"

"No!"

"Hmmm, Fuko admits she is unsure about the details. If hugging is not enough then Nagisa must explain to Fuko how to make her pregnant. Fuko will do whatever it takes!"

Nagisa pulled the sheet around her protectively.

"No one will be doing anything to me!"

"The other Nagisa was also a prude. Fuko had to help her out. Nagisa should be thankful that Fuko is always there to help her out."

Fragments of the accident were creeping back into Nagisa's mind. The headlights and screeching tired of the car, the little girl standing over her screaming at her to stay awake and...two arms carrying her away.

"You saved my life," Nagisa breathed.

For once the little girl didn't seem to immediately know what to say. She looked at her feet, mumbling and shaking her head.

"Fuko didn't."

"Then how did I get here?"

"Fuko went to get help."

"I thought no one else could see you?"

"My archenemy can."

"Your archenemy? You mean the homeless man in the alley? Is he...also here?" Nagisa asked carefully, looking around.

"No, he's long gone." Fuko shook her head in regret.

"Why would he help me?"

"Like Nagisa, he has forgotten himself. But there are things that can't be forgotten no matter how much you try. Like Ushio."

Nagisa sighed. None of it made any sense. Yet something had been familiar about that embrace. She closed her eyes and for a second remembered the feeling of completeness, of being whole again that she had felt as she was carried to the hospital. It must have been the drugs, she told herself.

"Tell me about her." Nagisa knew this wasn't real but she wanted to live the dream just a little while longer.

"About who?"

"About Ushio. About....my daughter."

Nagisa got nothing in response. As the silence stretched on at last Nagisa opened her eyes. The little golden-eyed girl was sitting with her eyes pinched shut, face all scrunched up, her hands to her temples, focusing intently.

"Uhm..." Nagisa started.

"Quiet! Fuko's thinking!" The girls snapped back at her. After another long silence, she finally spoke in a sulky voice.

"She's very fun. Much more fun than Nagisa. And very good at playing. Much better than Nagisa. And very pretty. Much prettier than Nagisa."

"Well, that doesn't mean much" Nagisa sighed, her curiosity washed away with her usual resentment. The golden eyed girl looked up.

"Nagisa doesn't understand. Fuko thinks Nagisa is the most beautiful girl in this world."

"But you just said-"

"It's the only way Fuko could express how much she loves Ushio."

Nagisa blushed.

"Anything else?"

"Her hair is short. She likes fried rice. And the Big Dango Family."

"But...I like...I mean I used to like the Big Dango Family!" Nagisa blurted out, sitting up in the bed.

"Well of course! Where else would she get it from? Who likes the Big Dango Family these days? All the cool people like starfishes."

Nagisa studied the girl. She so wanted to believe it all. To believe that she had something in life to look forward to except being the guinea pig for various unscrupulous medical companies. Could it really be true? Could she really become a mother? Have a little daughter with someone who loved her? It was so tempting, yet she knew it was all a lie, a figment of her imagination. The golden-eyed girl waved her hands in front of Nagisa absent eyes.

"Fuko doesn't like it when Nagisa just stops like that." The girl cleared her throat and raised a finger. 'If you can move-'"

"'If you can move forward, then you should.'" Nagisa finished the sentence.  
Then her eyes widened. "I remember those words. Who said that?"

Fuko smiled victoriously from ear to ear, pointing at Nagisa, knowing she had won this round.

"Nagisa did."

Nagisa took a deep breath. Why was she fighting this girl when everything she said rung so true in her ears? What did she really have to lose? Why was she clinging to this lifestyle that she so despised? Why was it so hard to accept that there might be something better out there? And what would her parents say if they saw her acting like this, all ungrateful and spiteful against someone who just wanted to help? The last part sealed the deal.

"I think we got started on the wrong foot. My name is Nagisa Furukawa." Nagisa bowed the best she could sitting in the bed. "I'm pleased to meet you. What's your name?"

"Fuko's name is Fuko Ikubi," responded the girl, also bowing.

"That's a beautiful name," Nagisa smiled. The muscles in her face felt stale and weird, yet it felt good to smile. The curtains of the window fluttered and the sun flooded into the room, bathing Nagisa's face in sunlight. For a split second, her shadow on the wall shifted, showing two distinct long locks of hair waving in the wind. When the moment faded her head was bald again, but her smile was still there.

"Thank you Fuko. Thank you for not giving up on me."

The little girl's face trembled for a second. Then she threw herself heedlessly at Nagisa, hugging her so tight that it hurt. But it hurt in a good way.

"Fuko knew Nagisa was still in there! Fuko has missed Nagisa so much!" Fuko sobbed in Nagisa's hospital gown.

Nagisa patted Fuko on the back, leaning her cheek against the crying little girl. Anger and disappointment flooded through her. In herself, in what she had done with her life these last few years. She had the strongest feeling that in giving up, in surrendering in the way she had done she was somehow betraying...her own memory.

She started to realized what Fuko had meant by the "other Nagisa". Out there, somewhere, there had been a Nagisa that hadn't given up but instead stood strong and died fighting. But where had that Nagisa got such strength, such a fierce lust for life from?

Clenching her jaw and tightening her fist, Nagisa nodded to herself. It didn't matter. If that Nagisa could do it, so could she. If fate deemed she had to die, she would not go quietly. She would go down kicking and screaming, to her very last breath.

Not realizing she was also crying she kissed Fuko on her head.

"Me too. I missed me too."


End file.
